filling in the cracks

so here we are. it's been a while, i must say. i was reminded today, that i indeed have a blog. that's funny that one could forget something like that. when i was reminded, i decided to read a few of my previous posts. wow. i am constantly amazed at how far you can come in mere months of growth. speaking of growth. i think i'd like to discuss something directly related to the subject...for those that follow Jesus at least. the topic of choice for tonight is accountability.

accountability. what is accountability, you ask? well lucky for you, i just so happen to be equipped with this amazing technology called the internet. the internet says that accountability is the state of being accountable, liable, or answerable. i like this. or at least i think i like this. what does it really mean to be answerable. this must be connected in the most basic way to an action...what can you be answerable for, if not something that you've done? and if you are to be answerable for something you've done, must you not be answerable to someone else? this seems to me to be the very heart of accountability: that you must tell someone what you've done. simple enough, yet so very difficult to implement.

as a follower of Jesus Christ, we are called to live a life in which the deepest parts of ourselves are exposed to the light. terrifying as it seems, it is in this vulnerable state that we allow Jesus to show us his redemption and his desire to fill in all of our cracks...even those we refuse to admit exist. we've been talking a lot recently about what accountability really looks like in the context of our lives. it can't just be a theory, or something that we consistently talk about and hash out in every way imaginable, but never actually do! so needless to say, i've experienced some "doing" lately, and let me just say, wow. how sweet it is. to be able to share all of the (for lack of a better word) crap in my life with such a good friend and have her encourage me and pray for me...it's just amazing. i feel so blessed to have a relationship in which i feel so safe. who would have thought that after experiencing some intense shame after a period of sin, i would want to tell someone. there are so many times when i want to run as fast as my awkwardly long legs will carry me away from anything that might expose my less-than-perfect parts. i guess that just speaks to how, in his amazing grace, Jesus can change my heart. he comes in when i least expect it, and overhauls my tiny mind's ability to comprehend that maybe, just maybe, what he has for me is best. i heard someone say once, that it is a cosmic impossibility for God to be any less good to me than he is right now. why is it so hard to cling to this? to really believe? Lord, help my unbelief! i'm so amazed that he continues to work in me even when i don't believe. that's a good thing too, because if it weren't true, i'm not sure he'd ever work in me!

so i guess that's it. accountability is a sweet thing. sin confession sucks, but it's so vital. it's exposing and vulnerable. it's icky. but redemption is good. i pray that you try it. i pray that you can find someone that will reciprocate. Lord, haste the day when this isn't necessary...but help us seek your way to live while it is.

buono notte i miei amici. baci!

grace

i am amazed tonight, by the perfection in the timing of my God. i have had a rather unfortunate experience recently that i will not divulge, but the grace and peace i have experienced throughout are more than worthy of being shared. it is hard to even explain, but i have been so blessed to have recently experienced such direct answers to my prayers and the prayers of those that love me. i feel so showered by my Savior's love for me and i pray that you would get to experience this...it is incomparable. the combination of teaching, growth, grace, peace, and joy is just ridiculous. i just wanted to share that Jesus is Lord and He is GOOD! i pray that you would know Him. i pray that you would love Him. i pray that you would let Him.

il suo amore resiste a per sempre.

a homecoming of sorts

it seems no matter how often i update this blog, i never seem to know quite how to begin my posts. i feel the need to be witty and clever, but when it comes down to it, i can't seem to muster up anything that feels just right. so i settle for qualifications. apparently i have to explain away my lack of wit in hopes that my futile explanation might serve my original intention. it's quite the cycle. that introduction was a bit ridiculous...i do apologize. i wanted to begin this sentence with the word "anyway". that is simply not allowed. beginning a sentence with "anyway" makes me not only feel unoriginal, but also uneducated. it's almost as bad as beginning a sentence with "and"...perhaps not so grammatically incorrect, but just as immature (right mom?). it's funny how long i can rant about silly things like grammar. all of that hoopla...and for what? to begin writing to my nonexistent readers? having a blog provides a much needed dose of humility when you really think about it. i start to feel prideful at times, thinking that my thoughts are really worthy to be read (metacognition anyone?)...and then i realize that my mom is the only one that reads my blog and i'm brought right back to where i need to be. oh how i love being forced into self-awareness. i guess this one's for you mom!

a blog post can really be about anything...random thoughts, life narration, or whatever you like. this one, i suppose, needs to be about what i've recently discovered. i came home today from a week long trip to chicago. i had never been before this trip, and was very excited to see the city. i went for a conference, but did almost every touristy thing there is to do. as is customary for any vacation, i ate and drank basically the entire time. at this point, i can't fathom ever having another ounce of alcohol. what's funny, is that there was never a point of sheer drunkenness...we just seemed to always be drinking. it's like the city ran out of water or something, so anytime we needed something to drink, it had vodka in it. that makes me sound awful...if only my prude 18 year old self could see me now...how ashamed and judgmental she'd be!

we definitely lived it up in chi-town. it was a grand time and i could not imagine a more fun week. i realized something while i was there though, that i feel is worth sharing. it's quite monumental. it was friday night and i was sitting in a local movie theatre, wearing my 3D glasses, and watching alice in wonderland, that i realized i was ready to come home. to be perfectly honest, i have never wanted to come home from a vacation. i've always been the girl with a love for traveling (still am), and a need to be on the go. i have never really been able to sit still for too long. i feel alive when i get to experience new things, new people, and new places. that all sounds relatively wonderful, but it came with a downside to be sure. that is, i've never felt content to just be at home. i guess i've always lived my life waiting for the next best thing...always looking forward to experiencing something else, something new. i would get super anxious if i was ever in the same place for too long. i guess i'm still quite like that, but i've realized that i truly enjoy where i am now. i absolutely love my life. i'm so thankful for the people in it and the season i am in. once i thought about home on friday, i really couldn't get here fast enough. i love my city and believe so strongly that my God is doing a great work here in austin. i'm so thankful that despite my unwillingness and rebellion, that my Lord chooses to continually pursue me and beckon my heart back to His. He has shown His love for me in his constant pursuit and unconditional forgiveness and redemption. i seem to be so good and failing to live my life in a way that pleases Him, yet He loves me just the same and rejoices when i return to Him. as undeserving as my flesh is, my heart and soul have been redeemed by the only One worthy to redeem...and how eternally blessed i am. i guess that's a pretty great realization to have. it's weird though...as much as i have felt like i've known those truths forever, i'm reminded with such a newness that i can't help but share. i pray that you would all experience this newness of life that is so freely offered by Christ. it's unexplainable.

sono contenta.